God's Work in Me—A Thorn in My Hand

I have been a musician for over 15 years. I first learned to play trumpet and other horns and then found my passion with basses, guitars and piano. As a result of my suffering, which will be described in detail, I have more recently began to dabble in percussive instruments and voice. The suffering I experience is an unidentifiable debilitating disorder which has made it impossible or excruciatingly painful at times to play music and to perform many seemingly simple tasks with my hands. God has used this disorder to drastically redirect my life and to draw me into adherence to His holy, pleasing and perfect plan.

When I was in high school I chose to be a recluse to the world, which in many cases can seem to be a righteous conquest; however, in this case it was because I had a love for music which far outweighed any love I had for anything else, including God. It was idolatry. My goal was to play music professionally for the rest of my life. Specifically I was going to be a rock star, which is one of the things that attracted my wife to me. My regiment included nearly eighty hours dedicated to music every week at one point. When I was seventeen and my condition developed, the doctors told me very bluntly that they did not know what the problem was, but that it was clearly rooted in my practice habits and it was suggested that I quit music altogether, which I did not.

Ultimately, where I did not allow this to make drastic change in my life initially, it still took its tole. The condition advanced rapidly until I graduated high school and was forced to make a decision about my future. It was apparent at that point that to pursue a career in music would be irrational and just plain dumb. Since there was little likelihood of becoming a music producer or some other industry professional, I chose to abandon that venture and to simply consider music my hobby. This was a major change for me since I definitely had developed the skills necessary. In fact it was probably the root of depression for many years.

At that time in my life I had little concern for spiritual things as I had drowned the work of the Holy Spirit with lust and drunkenness. It was not for many years, after I had been married and my wife and I were expecting our first daughter, that I finally felt the grasp of the Holy Spirit like I hadn’t felt since I was a youth. In almost a ridiculously short amount of time, God used His Spirit to do a work in me that could only be done by God Himself. Upon being restored into fellowship at our local church I at some point felt challenged to serve. I first served on worship team and shortly thereafter served with the youth ministry. Worship was natural, easy and ostensibly fruitful. God again, using my same disorder along with more opportunity to serve in other areas, removed me from music ministry. It is not that any disciplinary action was taken by the church; God just made it very clear (and painful) to me.

I think of my suffering as the apostle Paul did about His, “a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me” (2 Cor 12.7). Many times I pleaded with God to take this torment from me and allow me to use my talents for His glory, but in His sovereignty He saw better. Although not through such direct revelation as Paul received it, God said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Cor 12.9). Where I still love to worship, even many times in pain, I have been taught not to work according to the power in the flesh, but to work according to the Spirit of God within me and to remain in regular consultation of the Spirit. “For when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Cor 12.10).

Image Credits: cmseter, sxc.hu